Grief reactions

Grief can affect us more, and for longer, than we expect.

It’s not just an emotion. It can affect us emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and in the way we socially relate with others.

Everyone will respond in their own ways, but it’s common for people to experience some strong reactions.

Emotional reactions

shocked, stunned, disbelieving, numb
disoriented, confused
uncertain, worried, afraid
guilty, blaming yourself or others
angry, resentful, more easily upsetregretful, if only…
sad, pining for who or what’s been lost
despairing, vulnerable, alone
feeling different from others, embarrassed, ashamed
helpless, powerless
negative thoughts, depressed, or even thoughts of self-harm

Physical reactions

tired, exhausted, weak, low energy – or high energy, restless, energised
tearful, crying, sobbing – or unable to cry
tight chest, shallow breathing, deep sighs
sleeping a lot or unable to sleep, nightmares
headaches, aching limbs, tense muscles
eating more or less, nausea, digestion problems
falling ill more easily or existing health conditions may worsen
clumsier, more accident prone
more sensitive to sound, sight, taste, smell, and touch

Mental reactions

preoccupied by your loss and what happened – or avoiding thinking about it at all
going over and over things to make sense of it
difficulty concentrating
forgetful
slow reactions
wanting more information
difficulty planning or making decisions

Social reactions

wanting to be with others more – or alone more
able to talk about it – or not wanting to
avoiding certain places or topics
trouble coping with even small things
more sensitive about what others are saying or thinking
sharing humour more to decrease tension
avoiding remembering or feeling emotions, distracting yourself, keeping very busy
more irritable with others, possibly aggressive
making poor choices, doing things impulsively
using more alcohol, drugs or other risk-taking that can be harmful

Spiritual reactions

questioning…why?
strongly sensing the injustice of it
seeing the world and life differently now, changed priorities
drawing closer to beliefs and faith, or away from them
searching for or sensing the presence of someone who has died or tīpuna/ancestors
looking for meaning

How long does grief last?
The grief process takes the time it needs to take, to help us gradually adjust to what’s happened, so we can begin to move forward.

There is no set timetable and it’s different for everyone. The bigger the loss, the greater the grief. The more traumatic and frightening a loss is, the more complex grief can be. If your loss was traumatic, you are likely to also be experiencing some trauma reactions, which can make your experience even more intense. (See our page What is Trauma?)

Grief for very significant losses is likely to always be part of your life in some way. The pain will lessen slowly, and while life will begin to adjust to what’s happened, it’s normal to have some ‘grief waves’. Even long after your loss, all kinds of things may trigger grief reactions – a calendar date, a person’s name, a certain location, a piece of music, or a photo. Gradually, recovering from these ‘grief waves’ will become a little easier.

“Time itself doesn’t heal…it’s what you do with the passing time that counts. You can let yourself grieve or try to avoid its pain.

Avoiding it is understandable but trying to bury it isn’t good for you and doesn’t work. Grief is on your side, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the start.”

Our information sheets, Coping with trauma and When you are grieving and Dealing with flashbacks can help you to cope.

If children or young people have been affected by what’s happened
See our information sheet for parents and caregivers about Supporting your child or young person after a crime or traumatic event. Don’t hesitate to get them some extra professional help if they are struggling to cope. Helpful places to go for that help are listed towards the back of this information sheet.