Ongoing reactions after a suicide

We talked about early reactions here, but in the coming weeks, months, and even years, people often find they still experience some strong ongoing reactions.

As the official investigation and coronial processes can take a long time, what happened can continue to be on your mind. There may also be media interest in the person’s death. While there is less stigma surrounding suicide today, members of families and whānau may still feel judged or ashamed. People may judge themselves or experience whakamā. Sometimes people can feel isolated by others. This all makes it harder for a family, whānau, and friends to grieve and move forward.

Everyone is different and will react in their own ways
Sometimes reactions can be intense and challenging to cope with. It can be reassuring to know some of the kinds of ongoing reactions commonly experienced by others bereaved by suicide.

Emotional

shock, disbelief, numbness
helplessness, powerlessness
anger
guilt and regrets for things said or done, or not said or done
judged, shamed, whakamā
blaming - others, systems, God, self
sadness, grief, yearning for the person
fear, anxiety, panic attacks
on alert for others who may be suicidal
betrayed, rejected
relief, if the person had attempted/threatened many times
alone, isolated
judged by others
despair, depression, suicidal thoughts

Mental

hard to take in – might need information repeated
everything’s a blur, time warps
mind racing or thinking very slowly
forgetfulness
difficulty concentrating and completing tasks
difficulty making decisions
unsettling thoughts keep coming
preoccupied, thoughts about the death intruding
nightmares
flashbacks - reliving what happened

Physical

heart racing
tight chest, hard to catch a deep breath
nausea, stomach aches
body aches, headaches
shaking
exhaustion and moving slower, or high energy and restless
hard to sleep, or sleeping more
appetite changes
tearful, crying, sobbing
sensitive to noise and light
more accident prone
getting sick more easily, pre-existing health conditions can worsen

Social

keeping close to others, or being alone more
wanting to talk, or not talking
avoiding certain people, places, or situations
irritable, intolerant of others
using drugs or alcohol to cope
loss of interest in things you enjoy

Spiritual

trying to make sense of it
questioning why? what if?
turning towards cultural beliefs and/or faith, or questioning them
unsure of the future
sensing the presence of the person who has died, or of tīpuna (ancestors)

Most people find the intensity of their reactions will gradually lessen but recovering from traumatic grief usually takes longer than most people expect. You may find our Coping with Trauma and When you are Grieving information sheets helpful.

Other useful websites and information