Common reactions after a sudden death

Most bereaved family, whānau, and friends find their reactions to a sudden death are very strong and may be overwhelming at times.

Please click here if the death was due to any of the following specific sudden death situations. We have dedicated sections on our website with information to help you cope with these.

Common reactions to a sudden death in the days and months that follow include:

Emotional

shock, disbelief, numbness
helplessness, powerlessness
sadness, grief, yearning for the person
anger
guilt and regret for things said or done, or not said or done
blaming - others, systems, God, self
fear, anxiety, panic attacks, worrying others may also die
worrying the person might be forgotten
alone, isolated, feeling no one understands
despair, depression, suicidal thoughts

Mental

hard to take in - needing information repeated
everything’s a blur, time warps
forgetfulness
mind racing or thinking very slowly
difficulty concentrating and completing tasks
difficulty making decisions
preoccupied, thoughts about the death on loop, thinking if only…
nightmares
flashbacks - reliving what happened, or that you imagine happened
possible development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Physical

heart racing, feeling faint or dizzy
tight chest, fast breathing, hard to catch a deep breath
tearful, crying, sobbing
shaking, sweating
nausea, stomach aches, digestive issues, diarrhoea
body aches, headaches, tense muscles
exhaustion and moving slower, or high energy and restless
hard to sleep, or sleeping more
appetite changes
sensitive to noise and light
falling sick more easily, pre-existing health conditions worsen

Social

keeping close to others, or being alone more
wanting to talk, or not talking
avoiding going out
avoiding certain people, places, or situations
irritable, intolerant of others
using drugs or alcohol to cope
loss of interest in things you enjoy

Spiritual

trying to make sense of it
questioning why? what if?
sensing life is unfair and unjust
turning towards cultural beliefs and/or faith, or questioning them
unsure of the future
sensing the presence of the person who has died, or of tīpuna (ancestors)

Most people find the intensity of their reactions will gradually lessen, but grief usually takes longer than most people expect
The Finding ways to cope after a sudden death page on our website has some tips to help you cope, and you can also see our helpful information sheets which provide more information about reactions to grief and trauma.

Reactions of children and young people
Bereaved children and teenagers will often also find their reactions hard to deal with. They will need ongoing attention, reassurance, and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even long after the death. For more information for parents and caregivers on helping children and young people cope with a sudden death see our information sheet Supporting your child or young person after a crime or traumatic event.