Coping with Your Reactions after a Homicide

You will experience some early reactions with the initial shock of finding out, but in the next weeks, months, and even years, it’s likely strong thoughts, feelings, and other reactions will continue.

The official investigation, coronial process, court hearings, and parole can all, unfortunately, take a long time.

You may feel like it’s too much to handle at times. Many people say that it’s so intense it can feel like they are going crazy. Everyone is different, but it can be reassuring to know some of the common reactions that you might experience in this situation.

Emotional

shock, disbelief
numbness – unable to feel anything
helplessness, powerlessness – things feel out of control
emotional pain and distress
sadness, despair, yearning for the person
anger, rage
revengeful thoughts
guilt for not stopping it, shame
fear, anxiety, unsafe
uncertainty
judged or blamed by others
alone, isolated
depression, hopelessness

Physical

heart racing
tight chest, hard to catch a deep breath
shaking
tearful, crying, sobbing
nausea, stomach aches
hard to sleep, or sleeping more
body aches, headaches
exhaustion and moving slower, or high energy and restless
appetite changes
sensitive to noise and light
more accident prone
falling sick more easily, pre-existing health conditions can worsen

Mental

hard to believe it happened
everything’s a blur, time warps
mind racing or thinking very slowly
wanting more information
difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness
difficulty making decisions
unsettling thoughts, preoccupied by what happened
nightmares
flashbacks - reliving what happened

Social

keeping close to others, or being alone more
wanting to talk, or not talking
intruded on - by people you don’t know, media, and even those you do know
avoiding certain people, places, or situations that are reminders
irritable, intolerant of others
using drugs or alcohol to cope
loss of interest in things you enjoy

Spiritual

trying to make sense of it
questioning - why? what if?
turning towards cultural beliefs and/or faith, or questioning them
unsure of the future
sensing the presence of the person who has died, or of tīpuna (ancestors)

Most people find the intensity of their reactions will gradually lessen, but this usually takes longer than most people expect. As a homicide is a traumatic death, you’re likely to be experiencing both grief and trauma reactions. Our information sheets below explains more about grief and trauma:

Victim Support has developed a helpful information handbook for those affected by homicide, in partnership with Skylight. You can see a PDF version of it here or ask your Support Worker for a printed copy.